I Can't Do This Anymore
by LostInKaos
Summary: Was it all a dream or was it real?


"I can't do this anymore." Mark cried to himself. He was sitting in his room working on editing more film. Most of his film consisted of his friends and more than half of it was of Roger. Mark had been in love with Roger since they first meet. Roger just had that thing about him that Mark loved. He didn't know what it was, but Mark loved it. Roger on the other hand, from what Mark knew, didn't care about him anymore than just a friend. Mark wasn't even sure about best friend.

"What can't you do?" A voice asked from the doorway. Roger was standing there leaning against the door frame looking at Mark who, at that moment, was currently sitting on the floor.

"Oh, um…just… this film I'm trying to put together." Mark lied. Truth be told, he was talking about his feelings towards Roger. For six long years Mark had been in love with Roger, and for the same six long years Roger cared for Mark only as a friend. Mark was tired of having his heart broken by the man standing in the doorway, and over the past two years it was beginning to affect his health.

"So take a break for a while. The guys want to get together at the Life, why don't you join us?" Roger asked. Mark thought about it for a while. The film _was _driving him mad, but going to life would mean being around Roger, and he couldn't do that.

"No, I think I'll just stay here. I really need to get this film done." Mark said as he stood up to get back to work. He had been spending a lot of time in his room so he wouldn't have to face or see Roger.

"Okay, well I'll tell the guys you're working and I'll be home later. Sure you don't want to join us?" Roger asked again. Mark need to get out of the loft, but he always refused if Roger was going.

"I'm sure. Go have fun; I'll be here when you get back." Mark said as he started to work.

"Don't work too much. I'll see you later" Roger said. He grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

"Don't worry, Rog, I won't be working." Mark said to himself as he started to pack his things. He couldn't stay here anymore. His health was slowly going down hill and by living with Roger only made things worse.

Mark spent everything he had to make Roger's life easy. Mimi had recently passed away and Roger was still taking it hard. So, Mark paid for food and meds as always. Over time Mark had stopped eating and because of it, he was more likely to get sick. He didn't care though. He did everything for Roger because he loved Roger.

Mark spent that evening packing boxes full of film equipment. He knew if Roger came in his room boxes of film wouldn't make Roger wonder, at least not yet. Mark hid the boxes of clothes and other things in his closet.

Roger sat at the Life Café thinking about how Mark was acting strange lately. Mark had never before refused to go out with them, but refusing to join them was all he had been doing lately.

"Hello, earth to Roger." Maureen said as she waved her hand in front of his face.

"Huh? What?" Roger asked as he was brought back into real life.

"Man, Rog, what is wrong with you?" Collins asked as he looked at the musician sitting across from him. "We've been saying your name for a few minutes already."

"Really? I must be out of it." Roger replied.

"What's wrong?" Joanne, in her mother hen type attitude, asked.

"I'm worried about Mark. He's been so weird lately. He refuses to come out of his room, we never talk anymore and he's been sick a lot lately." Roger said.

"Have you tried to talk to him?" Maureen asked.

"Every time I've tried, he just ignores me and says he has things to do. I don't know what to do about him anymore." Roger said.

"Go home and talk to him." Collins says. Roger nodded his head before grabbing his jacket and heading out the life back to the loft. "Sadly, I know what this is about." Collins said more to himself then to the girls.

"What is it?" Maureen asked.

"Mark has been in love with Roger for years. I think it's finally got to him that he will only be Roger's friend." Collins said.

"Mark's in love with Roger?" Joanne asked completely shocked by this bit of news. "Does Roger know?"

"No, Mark refuses to tell Roger. Can you blame him? I mean do you honestly believe that Roger wouldn't laugh about it. Roger doesn't know how to be subtle about things. I think if Mark told Roger, he would only end up more hurt." Collins said. "Roger's better off not knowing, for Mark's sake."

Roger arrived back at the building and ran up the stairs to the loft. He opened the door and called for Mark. Mark came running out of his room, unfortunately he had tripped over a box that was by the door and was unable to catch himself before he fell face first onto the floor.

"Mark, are you okay?" Roger asked as he moved over toward Mark to try and help. Mark quickly got up and closed his door so Roger wouldn't see inside of his room.

"I'm fine, but what's going on?" Mark asked.

Roger looked from Mark to his door and then back to Mark. "What you hiding?" Roger asked.

"Oh… my film. It's not done yet and I don't want other people to see it yet." Mark quickly lied. Roger just looked at him with a quizzical look. "Rog, what's going on? Why did you call me out of my room?"

"What?" be brought back from his thought. "Oh that. Nothing's wrong, I just want to talk to you." Roger said with a smile forming on his lips.

"God Roger, I thought it was something important. I'm busy can't this 'talking' wait?" Mark asked turning to head back into his room.

"This is important." Roger said as he reached out to grab onto Mark's arm. "Please Mark, we never talk anymore. I want to know what's going on with you." Roger said. Mark turned to look at him with a shocked look plastered on his face. Roger wanted to talk to him?

"G-g-going on w-with me?" Mark stuttered. Not only did Roger want to talk, he wanted to talk about Mark.

"Yes, what's wrong with you?" Roger asked. He placed on hand on each of Mark's shoulders and turned Mark to look at him. "You've changed and I want to know what's going on. What has happened to make you change so much?" Roger asked.

"I- I don't really know. I've just had things on my mind. It's nothing to worry about. I'll be fine." Mark said. Roger sighed; he knew Mark wouldn't tell him anything.

"Please Mark, talk to me." Roger asked.

"I'm fine, Roger, just drop it." Mark said as he pulled away from Roger. Roger looked into Mark's blue eyes and knew something was wrong, but Mark wouldn't talk. He just sighed and gave up.

"Alright, I trust you." Roger said.

Roger watched as Mark disappeared into the room and closed the door. Roger was losing his best friend and he didn't know what to do.

Over the next week whenever Roger went out somewhere he would try is best to get Mark to come. Every single time Mark refused, saying that he had to work on his film. Roger didn't believe him anymore. The past few nights when Roger got up to go to the bathroom he heard Mark crying in his room. When Roger would confront him, Mark would say he had no idea what Roger was taking about.

So Roger gave up on trying to get Mark out of the house. While Roger was gone, Mark would pack whatever he was going to take with him and covered the boxes with clothes. He was hoping to hind them, and it worked. Whenever Mark was in the bathroom Roger went into his room and only saw clothes scattered around.

Before long Mark had the few boxes that he was actually going to take with him. Everything else he was leaving behind and Roger could do with it as he pleased.

Finally after a long week of avoiding Roger, he was finally packed and really to leave. He wrote Roger and long note the day before and that night he quietly left the loft, never to return.

Mark never went to bed that night. He waited until he heard Roger's soft snoring coming through the wall before he moved. Mark slowly walked over to Roger's room and opened the door. Roger was sleep in his bed and Mark's heart broke when he knew what this would do to Roger, but he had to leave. With a quiet 'Goodbye Roger' and a tear falling down his cheek, Mark closed the door, never to see Roger again.

Mark was heart broken for the past six years and he had finally had enough. He left in hopes of getting rid of his feelings. Every film reel that had Roger on it was left at the loft. The only thing he had left to remind him of his past was 'Today 4 U: Proof Positive'.

He left Alphabet City and New York all together. He wasn't sure where he as going, but wherever it was, it was far away from Roger and his broken heart.

Roger woke early the next morning. He had no idea as to why he was up so early, but he was. After a few hours of sitting in the living room playing guitar, there had yet to be a sound from Mark's room. Slowly Roger made his way to Mark's room and pressed his ear against it. There was no sound, no sound at all. No sound of the editing equipment running, no sound of movement what so ever, not even the sound of Mark's light snoring.

Roger opened the door and he stopped dead. There was no Mark. Roger quickly looked toward the counter in the kitchen looking for a note, but there wasn't one. He then looked to the bathroom and the door was open. As a last hope Roger looked toward the door and saw that Mark's coat and scarf both were gone. Roger looked back into Mark's room and his heart fell to the pit of his stomach. Mark was gone.

After recomposing himself from the shock, he noticed the boxes in the corner of the room. He noticed that most, if not all of Mark's clothes were still there, but Mark wasn't. Mark's camera was gone, but his film and the projector still remained.

Roger moved toward the boxes of film and began to read the canisters labels. "Christmas 1987", "Move in day", "Halloween 1986", "Roger's withdrawal", "Roger's song", "CBGB concert", "Well Hungarian concert", "Performance of _Your Eyes_" and other titles. Roger then noticed something that almost ripped his heart out. Most of these films were of him. A few were of Collins, Maureen, Benny, Mimi and Roger, Maureen and Joanne's commitment, but for the most part, it was all of Roger.

Roger staggered backwards onto Mark's bed and felt something crunch underneath him. He pulled it out and noticed it was an envelope. Not just any envelope, but one addressed to him. Written in Mark's handwriting was written 'Roger Davis'.

Roger slowly turned the envelope over and opened it. He pulled out a few pieces of paper and began to read them.

Dear Roger,

By now you have noticed that I am gone. I left during the night, while you were sleeping. There is no point to beat around bush, I'm not coming back. Everything left in my room, is now yours and you may do with it as you see fit. Sell it, burn it, it doesn't matter. Everything belongs to you now.

I'm sorry I left without saying good-bye, but if I would have then I never would have left. I would have stayed behind due to guilt which would only hurt us both in the end. I had to leave. I had no other choice. If I would have stayed in the loft with you, I would have only ended up killing myself.

You noticed that I had become withdrawn from the world around me. It had been happening for many years now, but only recently has it been shown. I have been living these past six years with a broken heart. I watched as your life was ruined by April. I watched as your life slowly regained itself during your withdrawal. I watched as you lived again when Mimi entered your world, and I watched as you slowly died when Mimi passed away. I watched from afar as your life took turns, both good and bad.

Truth be told Roger, I was, am, in love with you. I have been since the day we first met. You were kind to me and became the friend I had only wished for. Slowly as the years went on I fell more in love with you. I was happy when you were happy, I was sad when you were in pain. My emotions reflected how your life was going. Yet the whole time, I was in pain inside.

I saw how happy you were on stage, how happy you were with April, how hurt you were when she died, and how you came back to life when Mimi walked through the door. Yet all along, I was suffering. I knew that I would never have a chance with you.

I finally cracked. I began doing everything to take care of you and make you happy that I didn't take care of myself. Slowly my heath began to fail and I got sick more than normal.

A week ago I decided that I had to leave if I was ever going to get over you and regain my health. I have no idea where I will go, but it's far away from here. I'm leaving New York all together. Please don't try to find me. I can't deal with seeing you anymore.

I do care for you, more than you'll ever know, but I can't be around you anymore. I had to leave and I hope you can understand that. Some day I'll call. Someday I might return, but more than likely not. I'm sorry if I have hurt you. I'm sorry that I left. I know I am being selfish, but what else was there for me to do? You wouldn't have accepted the fact that I was in love with you, so I never told you. I hope you don't hate me for what I've done, but I had to. I will always love you, but I had to leave.

Please don't look for me, and I wish you would tell everyone else that I'm sorry for just leaving and not saying good-bye. I hope you live a happy life in the time you have left. I'm so sorry for everything.

Love Always,

Mark Cohen

P.S. Take your AZT

Roger had tears pouring down his face by the time he finished reading. Mark was in love with him and now he was gone, more than likely forever. Roger had just lost his best friend, room mate, and more importantly his love.

He too had been in love with Mark since they first met, but he figured that Mark could never love him, so he tried to ignore his feels by dating other people, but it had never worked. Roger had always been in love with Mark, and now he was gone. Mark was gone and Roger was heart broken.

Roger called Collins to tell him that Mark was gone. At first Collins thought Mark was dead, since Roger had been crying, but later he found out that Roger had loved Mark in return.

Years passed before there was any word from Mark. Collins and Roger had beaten all odds by still being alive. Roger lived with the undying hope that Mark would come back, and Collins lived with the hope of both being happy. Finally one day Mark had called Collins.

"Hello?" Collins asked as he answered the phone.

"Collins?" Mark asked. He was honestly surprised that Collins was still alive.

"Mark?" Collins asked. He was completely shocked that after all these years, Mark would be calling. He had always figured that if Mark called it would have been Roger, not him.

"Yeah. You probably hate me, but I had to know how everyone was. I found my old film of 'Today 4 U' and I hated how I left and missed everyone." Mark said.

"Mark, I don't hate you. I only hate you for what you did to Roger."

"What I did to Roger?" Mark asked.

"You broke his heart the day you left. I found out that day that Roger had been in love with you since you first met. Mark to tell you the truth, Roger isn't doing so well. He's been the hospital for a few weeks now, but he's slowly fading. He keeps holding on with the hope that you'll come back. Don't let him die with a broken heart." Collins said.

"Roger's dying?" Mark asked. His heart twisted in his chest as he heard these words.

"Yes. Please come back to see him. Don't let him die without telling you. Don't let him be alone." Collins pleaded with Mark.

Mark arrived back to Alphabet City the next day. He went to the building that the loft was in and waited for Collins. Collins took him to the hospital where Roger was at. When they arrived at Roger's room Mark stopped. He felt like he was going to be sick and that his heart was being ripped from his chest. Roger was asleep on the bed, be he look terriable. He was pale and sick and it was visable that he didn't have much time left.

Mark slowly walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. With a shaky hand he reached out and grabbed a hold of Roger's hand. Before he could stop himself he was cry. He leaned over Roger's hand and just sobbed.

"I'm so sorry, Rog." Mark said. "I'm so sorry I left. I'm so sorry I never called. I'm so sorry for everything. Please forgive me. I can't let you die without you knowing that I never got over you. I still love you, and I always will." Mark cried while he was still bent over Roger's hand. Slowly Roger awoke from his sleep and looked at the crying body next to him. He reached out with his other hand and ran it through Mark's hair. Mark quickly sat up and looked at Roger. Roger looked into the eyes of the one person he thought he would never see again. He looked into the bright blue eyes of Mark Cohen.

"Mark?" Roger coughed yet he reached up and put his hand on Mark's cheek and wiped a tear away.

"I'm here Roger. I'm so sorry for everything. I didn't know. I should have talked to you before I left. I should have called, I'm so sorry." Mark cried as he reached up and grabbed Roger's other hand with his own.

"I forgive you Marky." Roger said. A sad smile crossed Mark's face as he let out a choked sob. "Marky, I love you." Roger said softly. A tear rolled down his face before he closed his eyes and his breathing slowly stopped. Roger's hand fell from Mark's face and landed across his stomach. His other hand lessened the grip on Mark's hand. Roger Davis was gone.

Tears fell down Mark's face as he wrapped his arms around Roger's body and buried his head in Roger's chest. The one person Mark could never get over was gone. The person Mark was in love with since their eyes first met was gone.

"I love you too, Roger." Mark cried into Roger's now lifeless chest. Collins had to pull Mark away from Roger's body.

"Mark, he was meant to die two months ago. He was holding on in hopes of seeing you again. He wanted to tell you that before he died and he got his wish. You made his final wish come true." Collins said as tears fell down his own face.

"I never should have left." Mark cried as he buried his head in Collins' shoulder.

Mark suddenly jumped awake. He looked around and noticed he was still in his room at the loft. Boxes were piled around the room. Mark ran into Roger's room to find him asleep.

"Roger, wake up. Please wake up." Mark cried as he shook Roger awake. Roger jumped awake and was about to yell at Mark for waking him, but he saw the tears running down Mark's face.

"Mark, oh god, what's wrong?" Roger asked as he pulled Mark into a hug.

"I couldn't do it. I can't do it." Mark cried.

"Couldn't do what?" Roger asked as he tried to comfort the crying man in his arms.

"Leave" Mark cried again as his head was buried in Roger's shoulder.

"Why would you leave?" Roger asked. He was really confused now.

"Because I could never tell you." Mark cried again

"Tell me what?" Roger asked. Mark was in hysterics and that had never happened before. Roger wasn't sure how to deal with this side of Mark.

"That I love you." Mark cried. It took a moment for Roger to realize what Mark said. Roger pulled Mark away from him and made the filmmaker look at him.

"Mark, I could never hate you for that. I could never chase you away for that. I'm so sorry if I've been hurting you. It's just you're my best friend, Mark ,and I just don't feel that way toward to you, but in time it might come. Just please, don't leave. I care for you more than you know, I love you like my brother, hell even like a twin. I just don't love you that way, at least not now. I would die if you left. Please stay here. Maybe something will come of it." Roger said.

Mark nodded his head and softly smiled. Roger didn't reject the fact that Mark loved him and Roger didn't chase or send him away. Roger was at least giving Mark hope, hope that maybe one day he would fell the same. Mark wasn't leaving; he couldn't now that Roger knew the truth. Roger knew that Mark loved him, in more ways than one, and Roger except that. Maybe one day Roger would love Mark in return.


End file.
